The Catholic League Presents...

When are religious organizations and other anal retentive conservatives going to wake up and realize that when you publicly call for a boycott of something, you're only just giving free publicity to whatever the hell it is you don't want people to see in the first place?
Catholics are calling for the boycott of "The Da Vinci Code" movie by Ron Howard. For shit's sake why bother? Everyone with half a fucking brain is going to go, “Hmm the catholic league really doesn't want me to see this, I bets its blasphem-tastic! Maybe I'll get to see some tits in it too!"
People called for a boycott of Monty Python's Life of Brian, and guess what happened, it's a classic and regarded as some of Python's finest work. Catholics called for boycotts of 'Dogma', which was like picking a fight with a retarded kid seeing as how the movie only really got a limited release in theaters anyway, and what's that? A cult classic that is considered by many... okay me, to be Smith's best work.
For fuck's sake, if they want these movies to bomb, just demand that they put Cedric the Entertainer in it and you'll have a bomb so big Al Qaeda will be trying to steal it.

Simple Creatures

I do not know why, but some women insist on believing that men are as complicated as they are. Can someone ring the Jeopardy "I'm sorry you're wrong fuck-face" buzzer? Men are not in the least bit complicated. Figure out one, you've figured 'em all out.
For instance: A close friend of mine has moved in with his girlfriend and decorating is always a bit of a struggle for a couple just starting out on there own. What she failed to grasp is that men will never have any opinion about home decorations until they hate it. You can ask us all you want about what colors we would like the curtains to be, and we will never have an opinion. Why? We don't care. It is as simple as that. If it looks like shit, we'll try and tell you. If it gets complicated from there, it's because we don't want to insult you and lose the possibility of sex that night. If you want to bring him along whilst you pick these things out, expect him to get bored and stare at other women. Why? Cause our penis never turns off. It's got nothing to do with you, she was wearing a short skirt and our penis would have shrank an inch if we didn't look out of principle.
When it comes down to men and our feelings, it is all about feeding. Three parts of a man always have to be fed and satisfied.
-His Stomach: Easy, we like food. If we are hungry feed us. Hell, often we'll even do it ourselves.
-His Libido: Possibly the most obvious. As Dane Cook so astutely put it, not the only thing that is important to us, but it is a cornerstone of our being. It is our basic impulse to shoot off some baby juice once in a while. If you aren't providing us with a venue, or we're bored with you, or if simply someone else offers, we will go to others to satisfy our primal urges.
-His Ego: Every once in a while a man has got to do something that reaffirms his mythical idea of how big his penis is. As women it is your job to occasionally facilitate this process. If you emasculate us earlier in the day by either making us say I love you in public, or using a little nick name you made up for us in front of our friends, do something to let us feel like we're in charge. All it takes is something simple like feigning like you are too weak to pick up and or open something. Perhaps make a rhetorical comment about a woman you would go Bi for. It could be total shit, but in our mind it won't be. In our mind we will be the man with the six foot cock satisfying his girlfriend and Angelina Jolie or maybe even that chick form Lost as well.

I was asked by a female friend of mine about our apparent lack of emotion. The easy answer is this. We do have emotions and we do feel them. We just choose to ignore them. That is how we commit much of our douche-baggery without flinching. Men are taught from example by other men and through ridicule, that we cannot express our emotions. The easiest way for us to avoid expressing these emotions is to not feel them ourselves. Say we lose our job and our grandpa turns out to be a hiding Nazi war criminal. It is more socially acceptable amongst men to go on a binge drinking, whore banging bonanza for a week rather than cry for five minutes about it. We're afraid our dick would just pack it's balls and leave.

Shmulia Shmoberts

Sometimes I think I'm the only person left in America who doesn't like Julia Roberts. In fact, the massive amount of attention payed to this woman has made me like her less. One could say I've begun to hate this woman.
Why? Because anytime she does anything it is on the front page of something. I can't pull up my Yahoo homepage without seeing something about this overpaid, overrated, unnappealing actress. Julia Roberst has never done anything worthy of being on the cover or front page of any publication. Web page or even Random Stuff Julia Roberts Did Today Weekly.
Julia herself is only one part of the problem, one could easily make the same case for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, or the other guy from Wham!
I think our country is becoming so dependent on the lives of celebrities, that we may come to need so much information about them and their daily lives that we may end slipping up one day and realizing how shitty our own lives are because we haven't given half a shit about a single cause actually worth putting our time into. All the money and energy put into tracking and analyzing celebrities could have built us a palace for every single homeless person in America, then on top of that we would have had time left over to give him a thereputic massage with a happy ending.
P.S. VH1 must be destroyed.

People I would sterilize

Now, I know this is an unoriginal set up here. I rant and rave about people I didn't like. George Carlin did it as people he can do with out, or the people he thinks should be killed. Well fuck it. Here's my take: People I think should be sterilized. Hear me out. perhaps it's inhumane to just wax all of these cocksuckers. Most of 'em can't help it, they're just morons. In fact odds are one of these listed douche collection receptacles is a friend and or relative of yours. And there's no shame in that. Unless you are one of them, in which case, shame on you! I simply think these people should be sterilized so as that they cannot pass on their already tainted seed.

1. People that post whore me bulletins. Guess what? If you're so lame that you have to convince other people to advertise your lame pee-gu* to other people so that they might add you because you have a bunch of cool HTML effects in your myspace page, you're probably too lame to have real friends in the FUCKING REAL WORLD.

2. People that STILL quote the chappelle show. Yes, we get it, the Rick James sketch was really funny. Move on with your fucking life. And yes, that animated .gif file you got of Dave Chapelle dressed up as him is amusing, for about six and a half seconds. After which I start getting the urge to violate my parole.

3. People that yell G-Unit. Under no circumstance should anyone ever do this. It's never been funny, it never will be funny, and your a horrible, stupid, vile, vacuous, unoriginal prick for speaking the words aloud. I don't care if you are 50 cent himself. Guess what fiddy? You keep showing up all over the place with games that say your 'bulletproof', your liable to get somebody to test you on that theory. You've been shot nine times, but I bet the 10th time will be the charm.

4. People that line up at 10pm, then wait till 5am on black Friday so they can get a five dollar copy of "Shark Tale". I'll save you the lost sleep, frostbite, and complete waste of time, If it's in the four or five dollar bin, no one else wants it. That probably means it sucks. No movie is worth getting up at 4 am for in my book, and I'm going to be a film major.

5. Peope that play fantasy sports. They should all die. Don't ask for an explanation, I don't really have one.

6. People who wear sandals past September. For fuck's sake, there is no reason to wear sandals at any time besides the summer time. I don't care if it's 60 degrees out. No one wants to look at your hairy hippie feet.

7. People that actually care about celebrity gossip. For the love of god, why devote any of your time to this, no less your fucking money? How shallow and empty is your life that you have to occupy yourself with the social happenings of flash in the pan celebrities? Do these people need to obsess over this shit so they can push the fact that the country is going down the shitter out of their minds? I have no life, I'm a hermit and sit around my house all day, you know what I do? I read a book, I write, or at least I watch a good movie. I don't care if you start choking orphans as a hobby, just stop reading tabloids and all of that other celebrity bullshit.

8. White people that watch B.E.T. in the CCRI lounge. Sometimes you'll see shit like that and just think.... "Did they not get that memo about what the 'B' stands for?"

That's all for now. I need to go punch a baby.

*pee-gu = Chinese for ass/butt/bottom. See? You can learn something by reading the rantings of a mad-man.

Goths aren't happy people?

'Goth' youths more likely to self-harm: study"
-Yahoo News (Or as it is also known: Reuters)

FUCKING DUH! Have you ever met a Goth kid that was well adjusted? I think that's part of the definition of a Goth kid. They don't get along with most kids so they hang around in dark corners, listen to shitty metal and wear white and black makeup.
It's a prerequisite for being a Goth that you have to reach at least a 6.0 on the fucked-up-o-meter. If they did interviews to be a Goth kid, I think this is how it would go.
Interviewer: “Hi, how are you today?”
Goth Hopeful: “I feel like a rotting piece of flesh left in the bottom of the deepest sewer.”
Interviewer: “Glad to hear it, Alan.”
Goth Hopeful: “Call me Alistair.”
Interviewer: “What do you think is your most gothic quality?”
Goth Hopeful: “I hang upside down like a bat while listening to Tool. Then I usually cut myself while I watch 50’s horror movies.”
Interviewer: “My favorite is ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’. What is your least gothic quality?”
Goth Hopeful: “Sometimes I listen to Barry Manilow while I paint my nails black.”
Interviewer: “Last but not least, what do you think of your parents?”
Goth Hopeful: “They’re a bunch of capitalist, conformist shit heads living by a routine like nazis.”
Interviewer: “And your not a capitalist because you hang out at the mall and wear stuff from hot topic?
Goth Hopeful: Umm.. I gotta go. My mom’s waiting for me.”

The shitter

-Warning!! The following entry literally contains toilet humor. The faint of heart, those with a weak stomach, some with a leaky pancreas, young children, and old children, are advised to stop being pansies.-I think public bathrooms are the most socially awkward place on the planet. I hate taking a shit in the same room as someone else. The other person is always dropping the most vile excrement imaginable. If I walk in, and I have to drop the kids off at the pool, and there's someone else in a stall, fuck that. I'll just take a piss. Just relieve the pressure, buy some time.
-Every time I have shat with someone else, they sound like there is something seriously wrong in there. You know your just sitting there, and the guy next to you sounds like he's wrestling a fucking bear. Rooaarr...aaaahrrrgghhh! That's right, I used onomatopoeia. Or it just sounds disgusting, like he's just pouring a bowl of old chili into the fucking thing. And if you ever have the chance to poop next to Matt, DON'T!
-Why do some people have to be so weird in men's room? One time I was just taking a piss, I noticed there was someone in the stall. You know, I do a quick rape check before I use the pisser, it's a long story and it involved a lot of therapy. Anyway, I noticed there was some feet in the first stall pointing the wrong way. So I'm thinking to myself alright, he's just pissing, weird, could have done that out here, but ok.... So I finish and the kid comes out. I'm washing my hands and so is he. He uses like 20 pumps of soap. He loaded up, then went straight back in! Standing the wrong way again. What the fuck was he doing in there? I still puzzle over it. There's no reason to do any of that. How dirty can you make your hands handling your own package, you should trust your own equipment a little. I shudder to think of the perverse things he was doing to his nethers.
-Another time, two guys broke the universal rule of using a urinal. There were three urinals, I walked over and took the middle ground. Two guys came in a moment after, and got on both of my flanks. That's right, military terminology. Back to the story, they proceed to begin bladder evacuation, and suddenly turn to each other, (facing me, if I'm not making this visceral enough) and start talking. First thing that made me want to grab them both by the short and curlies: they disregarded the code that all men obey while using a urinal, face forward, and make no eye contact with anyone whilst doing your bodily business. Preferably throughout the whole visit to the plumbing facilities. So here I am, in the middle of a conversation between two men, turned completely towards me, whilst all three of us urinate. And I have to keep with the code and not make eye contact. They were probably spraying all over the little wood partitions. They'd better have thanked Allah, Buddha, and Vishnu for the fact that we were at a movie theater, and I was enjoying Deuce Bigalow 4: Gigolos on Ice. Otherwise they would have met the jagged end of my beating stick. (no that's not a phallic symbol, if I were referring to that, I'd just refer to it by it's name: Walter) And it's not so much of a stick, as it is an instrument.-And possibly the worst of these and most common, actually happens outside of the bathroom. It's when your walking into the bathroom and there's someone standing nearby, then you come out like 15 minutes later. You might as well hold up a sign that says, "I just took a huge shit!".That's all for now folks. Don't forget to shake!