The shitter
-Warning!! The following entry literally contains toilet humor. The faint of heart, those with a weak stomach, some with a leaky pancreas, young children, and old children, are advised to stop being pansies.-I think public bathrooms are the most socially awkward place on the planet. I hate taking a shit in the same room as someone else. The other person is always dropping the most vile excrement imaginable. If I walk in, and I have to drop the kids off at the pool, and there's someone else in a stall, fuck that. I'll just take a piss. Just relieve the pressure, buy some time.
-Every time I have shat with someone else, they sound like there is something seriously wrong in there. You know your just sitting there, and the guy next to you sounds like he's wrestling a fucking bear. Rooaarr...aaaahrrrgghhh! That's right, I used onomatopoeia. Or it just sounds disgusting, like he's just pouring a bowl of old chili into the fucking thing. And if you ever have the chance to poop next to Matt, DON'T!
-Why do some people have to be so weird in men's room? One time I was just taking a piss, I noticed there was someone in the stall. You know, I do a quick rape check before I use the pisser, it's a long story and it involved a lot of therapy. Anyway, I noticed there was some feet in the first stall pointing the wrong way. So I'm thinking to myself alright, he's just pissing, weird, could have done that out here, but ok.... So I finish and the kid comes out. I'm washing my hands and so is he. He uses like 20 pumps of soap. He loaded up, then went straight back in! Standing the wrong way again. What the fuck was he doing in there? I still puzzle over it. There's no reason to do any of that. How dirty can you make your hands handling your own package, you should trust your own equipment a little. I shudder to think of the perverse things he was doing to his nethers.
-Another time, two guys broke the universal rule of using a urinal. There were three urinals, I walked over and took the middle ground. Two guys came in a moment after, and got on both of my flanks. That's right, military terminology. Back to the story, they proceed to begin bladder evacuation, and suddenly turn to each other, (facing me, if I'm not making this visceral enough) and start talking. First thing that made me want to grab them both by the short and curlies: they disregarded the code that all men obey while using a urinal, face forward, and make no eye contact with anyone whilst doing your bodily business. Preferably throughout the whole visit to the plumbing facilities. So here I am, in the middle of a conversation between two men, turned completely towards me, whilst all three of us urinate. And I have to keep with the code and not make eye contact. They were probably spraying all over the little wood partitions. They'd better have thanked Allah, Buddha, and Vishnu for the fact that we were at a movie theater, and I was enjoying Deuce Bigalow 4: Gigolos on Ice. Otherwise they would have met the jagged end of my beating stick. (no that's not a phallic symbol, if I were referring to that, I'd just refer to it by it's name: Walter) And it's not so much of a stick, as it is an instrument.-And possibly the worst of these and most common, actually happens outside of the bathroom. It's when your walking into the bathroom and there's someone standing nearby, then you come out like 15 minutes later. You might as well hold up a sign that says, "I just took a huge shit!".That's all for now folks. Don't forget to shake!
-Every time I have shat with someone else, they sound like there is something seriously wrong in there. You know your just sitting there, and the guy next to you sounds like he's wrestling a fucking bear. Rooaarr...aaaahrrrgghhh! That's right, I used onomatopoeia. Or it just sounds disgusting, like he's just pouring a bowl of old chili into the fucking thing. And if you ever have the chance to poop next to Matt, DON'T!
-Why do some people have to be so weird in men's room? One time I was just taking a piss, I noticed there was someone in the stall. You know, I do a quick rape check before I use the pisser, it's a long story and it involved a lot of therapy. Anyway, I noticed there was some feet in the first stall pointing the wrong way. So I'm thinking to myself alright, he's just pissing, weird, could have done that out here, but ok.... So I finish and the kid comes out. I'm washing my hands and so is he. He uses like 20 pumps of soap. He loaded up, then went straight back in! Standing the wrong way again. What the fuck was he doing in there? I still puzzle over it. There's no reason to do any of that. How dirty can you make your hands handling your own package, you should trust your own equipment a little. I shudder to think of the perverse things he was doing to his nethers.
-Another time, two guys broke the universal rule of using a urinal. There were three urinals, I walked over and took the middle ground. Two guys came in a moment after, and got on both of my flanks. That's right, military terminology. Back to the story, they proceed to begin bladder evacuation, and suddenly turn to each other, (facing me, if I'm not making this visceral enough) and start talking. First thing that made me want to grab them both by the short and curlies: they disregarded the code that all men obey while using a urinal, face forward, and make no eye contact with anyone whilst doing your bodily business. Preferably throughout the whole visit to the plumbing facilities. So here I am, in the middle of a conversation between two men, turned completely towards me, whilst all three of us urinate. And I have to keep with the code and not make eye contact. They were probably spraying all over the little wood partitions. They'd better have thanked Allah, Buddha, and Vishnu for the fact that we were at a movie theater, and I was enjoying Deuce Bigalow 4: Gigolos on Ice. Otherwise they would have met the jagged end of my beating stick. (no that's not a phallic symbol, if I were referring to that, I'd just refer to it by it's name: Walter) And it's not so much of a stick, as it is an instrument.-And possibly the worst of these and most common, actually happens outside of the bathroom. It's when your walking into the bathroom and there's someone standing nearby, then you come out like 15 minutes later. You might as well hold up a sign that says, "I just took a huge shit!".That's all for now folks. Don't forget to shake!
posted by Willy all mighty at 8:47 PM
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