Enforcing Darwin

Sterilization 2.0/Enforcing Darwin’s Will

I’ve mused on this idea before, so forgive me all twelve people that read by blog, but I think there’s something we need to do in our society. As you well know from science fiction movies and that twenty minutes of animal planet you watch to ease yourself into a mid afternoon nap, evolution depends on those with unsuccessful genes, like mutants (not X-men mutants, I’m talking Pauley Shore and Anne Coulter type mutants) do not successfully mate. I.E. too many dimwits are living long enough to deliver their tainted seed.

Modern medicines, air bags, free needles for heroin addicts and cheap condoms ultimately have their price. These things enable those holding back the human race, to continue living and breeding. Dear god do they breed. Why is it that the biggest asshole you know growing up the one that tries to use saran wrap and two zip ties as a makeshift condom and thusly ends up further cluttering the playground with another oops baby?

My objective is that we begin enforcing evolution and prevent these people from reproducing their handicapable DNA. I know it may be a bit harsh, I agree. I’m anti-capital punishment, but I am pro-advancing of the species. It is a conundrum which brings me to another quandary. How would we stop them? How could we stop these short-bus riding miscreants from fucking?

We have two options, both aren’t pretty. But they could potentially be a big old bag of fun! Like teasing a homeless person with half a sandwich you’re too full to eat then I just feed it to a dog, or eat it and vow to throw it up later for the hell of it. What I do with my weekends aside, we’re faced with two options.

1. Sterilize the window lickers!

We wouldn’t necessarily have to chop their gonads off or tinker with their woman parts.

There are other ways we could do this. For the men, we could send them to “Willy’s school of awkward white boy dancing” And trust me, after that their ass is never getting laid again. Or perhaps for the ladies we could just tell them that Semen has a lot of carbs and that’ll go straight to their thighs.

2. Wax the fuckers!

Let me explain. Now this may be the most extreme of the two options, but would most likely be the most effective. Now if we just sterilize, they may still have options for adding branches to their dilapidated family tree. They could find a mad scientist bent on stopping my quest for improving humanity, lets name a random villain from the superman comic books…Brainiac. The evil Kryptonian robot thing or whatever he is may decide that to thwart humanity’s progress, he could help the jackasses of the world procreate by cloning them or making some kind of crazy kryptonian test tube baby. I imagine the product would look something like the retarded elf disguising herself as an actress named Nicole Kidman.

We’ve covered our two possible modes of couitus interruptus but we have the most important concern to outline next: How do we decide who to stop from squirting out babies? It’s a tough job, but I think I’m prepared for it. Call me the Gene Pool Life Guard. I know images of me walking around in a red swimsuit, a splotch of sunscreen, a twelve gauge shotgun and a whistle may be conjured by such a title, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. I think it’s just best that we, and by “we” I mean “I” carefully figure out who’s biological flame must be extinguished. No time to lose, let’s get started.

1. People who drive trucks for no reason and drive like a dick because Daddy said “I love you” with his belt.

Let us give thanks for these men who one day, looked at their insignificant penis, then decided to go to the auto dealer. Now I’m sure you love driving around in your giant phallic symbol at 85 in a 40 getting 6 miles to the gallon, but there’s no reason to get on my ass in traffic because you have a very important klan meeting and/or NASCAR enthusiast barbeque to get to. I’m sure they’ll save you some wings.

I’m willing to wager a months pay that most of these taint lickers have absolutely no use for a vehicle with a bed in the back, except for maybe carting around their high school football fueled gigantic egos.

2. People that are surprised that Best Buy doesn’t have any Nintendo Wiis

Please refer to my prior article for an explanation if need be. I love beating dead horses but doing so here would be an exercise in absurdity.

3. Members of PETA

I’m likely to stir up a stinky hairy hippy mess with this one, but fuck it. The average asshole with nothing better to do on their day off from work that goes to one of their rallies probably doesn’t know much about what this group of animal lovers(a profound understatement) actually stands for. Now we all know they’re against cruelty in form of pharmaceutical and cosmetic testing which I don’t agree with, because you know, its either animals or humans, and fuck, I’m not volunteering. They don’t believe in eating meat, and they can REALLY go fuck themselves on that score. God gave me canines to tear apart the tiny beasts that have the misfortune of being below me in the food chain, but that’s all common knowledge.

People don’t know that they don’t believe in pets. That’s not to say they don’t believe in pets in the way I don’t believe in Santa Clause or the institution of marriage. The end game for PETA is total animal liberation. As in, equivalent rights under the constitution. To them, having a pet is cruel. If these psychos had their way we would be eating celery all day, testing experimental drugs on homeless people and having a cat would make you the equivalent of a slave owner. If your going to join a group and don’t take the time to find out what your group’s ultimate goal is, it’s like a black dude joining the KKK, or watching NASCAR.

If you don’t believe me, ask Penn and Teller: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9ijLulwUTY

4. Guys that think its fucking cool to leave the brim of their baseball cap flat.

Oh snap mister white boy gangsta! You the coolest shiznit on the block because your copying some anal buccaneer that was too lazy to take the twenty fucking seconds to fix the brim to his liking then peel off the shiny sticker. I remember, back in the day, if you were the goofy jackass of your group that didn’t care what you looked like, you’d leave the sticker on, put on a pair of aviators and as soon as a new person met you they would think: “Oh, he’s the crazy guy in the group.”

Fix the hat dickhead!

5. People that pretend their too good for television

Okay mister cynical college professor wannabe. You try and pretend that you’re SOOO busy that you don’t have time to catch an episode of “World’s Worst Infant Chases Part XXV” I ain’t buying it. If you had time to pick out that tie with “I got a bad case of the Mondays” sprawled across it, you have time to catch the occasional rerun of Boy Meets World. I’m also tired of the implied superiority act inherent in this. These are the kids that think they’re super mature because they claim to have “grown out of video games”. It’s not my fault you couldn’t get past the 2^nd level of Sonic the Hedgehog, don’t try and make me feel like an asshole.

So listen up you high and mighty intellectual snobs, I just got back from work and two classes back to back. I’m tired and I’m going to drink half a six pack and pass out watching Scrubs, South Park, and if I’m still up I’ll get my Colbert on courtesy of TIVO. And if you’re snooty ass thinks that there’s something wrong with that you can get the hell out of the gene pool and leave the rest of the world alone. I’m fat, lazy and need to be in a perpetual state of entertainment. God bless America.

To be continued…