Justice

Today, I am overjoyed. This is a rare experience for me. It is brought on very rarely by such things as: judging a blowjob competition, Die Hard trilogy marathons, democrats taking over congress, that guy pretending to talk on his cell phone at the mall suddenly getting a real call, and last but not least, the upper one percent getting the justice they deserve. Recently, we've gotten a rare treat in that regard, as this type of thing rarely happens.

Paris Hilton is going to jail. I can hardly type this as I weep tears of joy. Paris Hilton is going to jail for driving with a suspended license. I must praise the judge in particular for recognizing this minor crime average schmucks get away with on a regular basis, warranted jail time in light of the fact that the perpetrator was the greatest social criminal in American history. I have myself said that Paris Hilton should die. It may have been a bit of an extreme statement and I think the honorable judge has the right idea. Rather than just execute her for her crimes against American media, culture and amateur porn, true humiliation is in order. And humiliating a self important materialistic Anti-Christ like Paris is no easy task. This woman got fucked from behind in night vision while talking no her phone and shared the experience with one hundred million of her closest friends.

Humiliating a person like her is actually rather simple, punish her like a commoner. This wench got caught drunk driving and dismissed it as "nothing" and that "I was just really hungry, and I wanted to have an In-N-Out burger," Which of course, for people like her with good enough lawyers, makes it all not a big deal. Much to the Hilton's family's chagrin, the prosecution did not agree. They asked for jail time, and my new personal hero, the judge, agreed. I'm sure Paris would have loved to have gotten the special rich people jail that those with large enough bank accounts can rent in the state of California, but the judge effectively told her to shove that shit right up her already spunky ass.

Paris Hilton embodies all that is wrong and excessive about our American society. This drunken first estate whore is just one example of how those with enough money can do whatever the fuck they want. Was there any serious jail sentences handed down for the Enron scandal? No. Has anyone been punished for the Bush administration lying to the whole world for a war of choice that has cost thousands of lives? No. O.J. Simpson killed somebody and the only punishment he got was a revoked book deal.

Paris Hilton is a person famous only for being rich because she was born in the right family. She is only present in our day to day lives because the soft glow of a paparazzo's flash bulbs is apparently what sustains her dark life force. A woman whose only personal accomplishments include being born rich, boozing, fucking, and House of Wax, deserves no special treatment by anyone.

The Hiltons showed up expecting to get the usual special treatment and scoffed at the idea that their little girl would actually be punished for her transgressions against society. Their shocked reactions were so thrilling for me I may have become sexually aroused. Normally, I stay six miles away from shit like this, but when I heard the queen of all that is unholy might go to jail, I put my ear to the proverbial ground.

So here she is with her sentence read and fate delivered. What does she do? Recant her wicked ways, look in at herself and the hedonistic lifestyle she flaunts so proudly? Fuck no. She blames her publicist. Apparently he shoved the booze down her throat; duct taped her hands to the steering wheel and sent her to the In N Out Burger with a gun to her head, then threatened to cut her tits off if she didn't keep driving after her license had been suspended. Clearly none of this is even her lawyer's fault for failing at the standard "Its okay, the accused is extremely wealthy" defense, god forbid an ounce of this amounts to her own responsibility. So sadly, Paris Hilton will be going to jail with one less publicist, and with a whole nation cheering.

Enforcing Darwin

Sterilization 2.0/Enforcing Darwin’s Will

I’ve mused on this idea before, so forgive me all twelve people that read by blog, but I think there’s something we need to do in our society. As you well know from science fiction movies and that twenty minutes of animal planet you watch to ease yourself into a mid afternoon nap, evolution depends on those with unsuccessful genes, like mutants (not X-men mutants, I’m talking Pauley Shore and Anne Coulter type mutants) do not successfully mate. I.E. too many dimwits are living long enough to deliver their tainted seed.

Modern medicines, air bags, free needles for heroin addicts and cheap condoms ultimately have their price. These things enable those holding back the human race, to continue living and breeding. Dear god do they breed. Why is it that the biggest asshole you know growing up the one that tries to use saran wrap and two zip ties as a makeshift condom and thusly ends up further cluttering the playground with another oops baby?

My objective is that we begin enforcing evolution and prevent these people from reproducing their handicapable DNA. I know it may be a bit harsh, I agree. I’m anti-capital punishment, but I am pro-advancing of the species. It is a conundrum which brings me to another quandary. How would we stop them? How could we stop these short-bus riding miscreants from fucking?

We have two options, both aren’t pretty. But they could potentially be a big old bag of fun! Like teasing a homeless person with half a sandwich you’re too full to eat then I just feed it to a dog, or eat it and vow to throw it up later for the hell of it. What I do with my weekends aside, we’re faced with two options.

1. Sterilize the window lickers!

We wouldn’t necessarily have to chop their gonads off or tinker with their woman parts.

There are other ways we could do this. For the men, we could send them to “Willy’s school of awkward white boy dancing” And trust me, after that their ass is never getting laid again. Or perhaps for the ladies we could just tell them that Semen has a lot of carbs and that’ll go straight to their thighs.

2. Wax the fuckers!

Let me explain. Now this may be the most extreme of the two options, but would most likely be the most effective. Now if we just sterilize, they may still have options for adding branches to their dilapidated family tree. They could find a mad scientist bent on stopping my quest for improving humanity, lets name a random villain from the superman comic books…Brainiac. The evil Kryptonian robot thing or whatever he is may decide that to thwart humanity’s progress, he could help the jackasses of the world procreate by cloning them or making some kind of crazy kryptonian test tube baby. I imagine the product would look something like the retarded elf disguising herself as an actress named Nicole Kidman.

We’ve covered our two possible modes of couitus interruptus but we have the most important concern to outline next: How do we decide who to stop from squirting out babies? It’s a tough job, but I think I’m prepared for it. Call me the Gene Pool Life Guard. I know images of me walking around in a red swimsuit, a splotch of sunscreen, a twelve gauge shotgun and a whistle may be conjured by such a title, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. I think it’s just best that we, and by “we” I mean “I” carefully figure out who’s biological flame must be extinguished. No time to lose, let’s get started.

1. People who drive trucks for no reason and drive like a dick because Daddy said “I love you” with his belt.

Let us give thanks for these men who one day, looked at their insignificant penis, then decided to go to the auto dealer. Now I’m sure you love driving around in your giant phallic symbol at 85 in a 40 getting 6 miles to the gallon, but there’s no reason to get on my ass in traffic because you have a very important klan meeting and/or NASCAR enthusiast barbeque to get to. I’m sure they’ll save you some wings.

I’m willing to wager a months pay that most of these taint lickers have absolutely no use for a vehicle with a bed in the back, except for maybe carting around their high school football fueled gigantic egos.

2. People that are surprised that Best Buy doesn’t have any Nintendo Wiis

Please refer to my prior article for an explanation if need be. I love beating dead horses but doing so here would be an exercise in absurdity.

3. Members of PETA

I’m likely to stir up a stinky hairy hippy mess with this one, but fuck it. The average asshole with nothing better to do on their day off from work that goes to one of their rallies probably doesn’t know much about what this group of animal lovers(a profound understatement) actually stands for. Now we all know they’re against cruelty in form of pharmaceutical and cosmetic testing which I don’t agree with, because you know, its either animals or humans, and fuck, I’m not volunteering. They don’t believe in eating meat, and they can REALLY go fuck themselves on that score. God gave me canines to tear apart the tiny beasts that have the misfortune of being below me in the food chain, but that’s all common knowledge.

People don’t know that they don’t believe in pets. That’s not to say they don’t believe in pets in the way I don’t believe in Santa Clause or the institution of marriage. The end game for PETA is total animal liberation. As in, equivalent rights under the constitution. To them, having a pet is cruel. If these psychos had their way we would be eating celery all day, testing experimental drugs on homeless people and having a cat would make you the equivalent of a slave owner. If your going to join a group and don’t take the time to find out what your group’s ultimate goal is, it’s like a black dude joining the KKK, or watching NASCAR.

If you don’t believe me, ask Penn and Teller: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9ijLulwUTY

4. Guys that think its fucking cool to leave the brim of their baseball cap flat.

Oh snap mister white boy gangsta! You the coolest shiznit on the block because your copying some anal buccaneer that was too lazy to take the twenty fucking seconds to fix the brim to his liking then peel off the shiny sticker. I remember, back in the day, if you were the goofy jackass of your group that didn’t care what you looked like, you’d leave the sticker on, put on a pair of aviators and as soon as a new person met you they would think: “Oh, he’s the crazy guy in the group.”

Fix the hat dickhead!

5. People that pretend their too good for television

Okay mister cynical college professor wannabe. You try and pretend that you’re SOOO busy that you don’t have time to catch an episode of “World’s Worst Infant Chases Part XXV” I ain’t buying it. If you had time to pick out that tie with “I got a bad case of the Mondays” sprawled across it, you have time to catch the occasional rerun of Boy Meets World. I’m also tired of the implied superiority act inherent in this. These are the kids that think they’re super mature because they claim to have “grown out of video games”. It’s not my fault you couldn’t get past the 2^nd level of Sonic the Hedgehog, don’t try and make me feel like an asshole.

So listen up you high and mighty intellectual snobs, I just got back from work and two classes back to back. I’m tired and I’m going to drink half a six pack and pass out watching Scrubs, South Park, and if I’m still up I’ll get my Colbert on courtesy of TIVO. And if you’re snooty ass thinks that there’s something wrong with that you can get the hell out of the gene pool and leave the rest of the world alone. I’m fat, lazy and need to be in a perpetual state of entertainment. God bless America.

To be continued…

We don't have any Wiis god damn it!

When I'm not wasting my time posting random rants on the internet, I occasionally go to work at a major electronics chain. Lets just call it "Estbay Uybay". I work in the media section, which puts me in charge of handling the video games section mostly, as my co-workers seem to be a pack of window lickers when it comes to gaming. At first it was mostly my job to be politely told to fuck off all day whilst I walked around and greeted customers. Lately, my primary job function has become explaining that the nameless huge electronics chain I work for does not have any Nintendo WIIs and why. I get at least three or four calls an hour from people ranging from the age of 7-70 looking for the elusive Wiis. It has gotten to the point where my phone greeting has become. "**** *** media, we're sold out of Nintendo Wii. How can I help you?"
I spit out the direct to the point greeting, usually in a calm, easy to understand almost "commercial voice over guy" tone of voice. The response is usually:
"Um.... Do you have any Wii's?"
I take a breath and do the relaxation excersizes my parole officer has reccomended and reiterate:
"No, we're sold out."
They continue to be dumbfounded:
"You are?"
A vain in my skull begins to pound.
"Correct..."
They try and milk me for information I don't have, on account that **** *** employees have been hording the coveted devices because they know when the shipments arrive.
"Are you getting a shipment today"
This is when I dump my patented "You already know this, but I have to remind you every day because you accidentally did 6 hits of acid at once in 1986 at a Whitesnake concert, and your dumbass kids ask you every day for a Wii because they know this." explanation.
"Not to my knowledge. I don't know when our next shipment is, we tend to get one shipment a month. I can't reserve any, as the list would be longer than Robert Downey Jr.'s arrest record (Outdated joke, I apologize). Honestly, your best bet is to just wait a couple of months for initial kinks in the distribution, and the game system itself, to be worked out."

But as the day wears on, and people ranging from children who wandered out of special ed, to adults who've wandered out of special ed, continue to hound me about every detail, about the Nintendo Wii. Some of the Nintendo enthusiasts out there will blast me and claim that they're easy to get. Sure, they are easy to get, if your fucking someone who works at Nintendo, or you have some serious mob connections. The average shmuch is not going to wait 6 hours outside in the middle of the New England winter, months after the system has already been released, just to get some overrated video game system built for children and adults with low IQs.
I'd say the PS3 is better, which it is in theory. But the people at Sony are equally moronic and put out a video game system so advanced and so good, that half of them don't work right, has almost no games at launch, and costs more than an average schmuck's weekly pay. And the Wii is kicking PS3's ass in sales in many places. That is if you can find it.
But I've wandered off topic, the soul of my argument is that, as we have come to call them, the Wiitards have yet to learn, that if a system is this hard to get, the amount of work your going to put into getting it is probably not going to be worth it. Since as soon as you finally track down one of these much hyped machines, you need another controller, and that my geeky friends, is the only thing harder to get than the Wii itself.
So word from the not-so-wise. Stop calling, we don't have any. Even if we did, we probably aren't allowed to tell you.

Nintendo lovers begin blasting me.....now!

(Note: Your Wii purchasing situation my vary greatly than what it is in Rhode Island. Please don't bitch if you live in Japan and have had one for 3 years.)

Impressing the ladies and facial hair.

Why is it that people always have so much trouble identifying the shit on my chin as a goatee? It’s not like there’s a god damn octagon on my left cheek. It’s fucking hair on my chin to cover up the ugly ass Ben Affleck thing I got going on there.
I think you know what it is, you’re just afraid to use the term because people think it’s the same thing as a fu-Manchu where the goatee connects with a moustache. I don’t have one of those. Doesn’t work for me. My moustache doesn’t connect in the middle between my lips and my nose. I can’t pull off a moustache with one of those. There are two men on the face of the planet that can do that: Jason Lee, and Col. Sanders. My name isn’t Earl and I can’t cook worth a shit, so I guess I’m screwed. People always go:
“Oh that’s cool. That umm. Thing there… your beard or something. I like that. How long did it take you to grow that out?”
People are so afraid that if they say the wrong word I’ll slap ‘em in the face and embarrass them over a term for facial hair.
“Hey, nice… soul patch?”
SMACK!!
“Wrong fuck-face!! It’s a goatee you semen sucker! Now walk away with your head hanging like my balls on a hot day!”
---
You know they say that everyone is gay to a certain extent. And I think that’s true. For instance: I myself, like homosexuals rarely have sex with women. Just that whole “not being gay” thing is fucking up my sex life. Whenever I’m talking to a girl I may be interested in there’s some part of my brain that’s thinking “Hmm…. What’s the fastest way I can make this girl feel uncomfortable and politely walk away?”
Girls are always so polite about it too. They always make sure you know they almost enjoyed the conversation.
“Yeah, it was great talking to you.. But I’ve got to go talk to somebody cuter and with a less confusing vocabulary.”
Girls don’t like that! They don’t like it when you show what a big vocab you’ve got. Because, odds are, if your words are impressing her, she doesn’t understand jack or shit of what you're saying. I’m standing there talking about the mid term elections and she’s thinking:
“What’s a caucus? Is that how he’s hitting on me? I don’t get it.”
I’ve never been good at impressing women. Shit, I was at the beach last summer with some buddies. We had just gotten out of the water, and were walking against the wind. I looked down and was like: “What the fuck! This just isn’t fare. It’s like a green bean hanging off two peas right now. I’m fucking bringing a banana next time.”
Here I am, stumbling down the beach with my buddies, all of whom have six packs, while here I am, with the full keg if you will, and I’m supposed to pick up chicks? Fuck, who are we kidding? Women go to the beach to tan. Men just go to stare at half naked women all day. We lay on our towels make sexual comments so lewd that we could legally classify as sex offenders till the sun makes our skin peel. And then later we hop in our friends pool so we can go swimming.

Roaming

Today I was reminded what utter total preposterous bullshit roaming charges are. Once upon a time I was under the impression that roaming meant you were outside your normal coverage area. This idea was shattered when I switched from Virgin Mobile which was total crap, to Sprint, which is an unlubricated colonoscopy of an experience.
It appears that sporadic places all over my college's campus are for some reason, a real hassle for Sprint's network to handle. Also, my house is on random occasions, a roaming area. Okay, what the fuck is that about? How can my HOUSE, my place of fucking residence be so fucking out of the way. I've had service there since I had one of those fucking TRACFONEs you can get at the gas station. And suddenly, I switch to the fucking giant company, and suddenly, my god damned house is a roaming area.
I'll tell you how roaming works. Some mouth breather at sprint sitting in a three by two cubicle left clicks his stupid little mouse on my icon, on his stupid little screen, then I'm in a roaming area. Then sometimes, he'll leave it off all day, and wait for me to get five voicemails from the same person, then the anus sucking prick will decide I'm roaming because those messages are probably important.
The fact that we as a people, haven't risen as one and just started crucifying these taint licking people that run these cell phone companies is simply astonishing. I think our cell phone bills would go down real quick if we just started burning these people at the stake every time they laid some bullshit charge on us.

Recommendations

Today I thought I'd plug some random stuff that I think will rock your ass.

The movie you should see in theaters:
-The Departed:Martin Scorcese shows the world that he's still the best American, or otherwise, director around today.
The movie you should see on DVD:
-The Shawshank Redemption:Still, possibly my favorite movie of all time. I have yet to find a single thing about that film I don't like. Nearly flawless.
The CD you should buy:
-Anything by Lewis Black:
Find someone who's never heard his stand up before and pop one of his CDs in the stereo while you're on your way somewhere. Watch how hard they laugh and thank me for saving you the trouble of making conversation.
The computer game you should buy:
-Rome: Total War:
I rediscover this game every couple of months and it rocks my geeky ass every time. If you've ever been into strategy/war simulators this is the way to go. The guys over at Total War don't fuck around. I started playing last night around 9pm, thinking I was just going to play a few turns then finish watching a movie. Fast forward to 1am, I'm thinking: "I'm just going to defeat the Gauls. That's it! I'm going to wipe those ancestral French bastards off the fucking map! Then, I'll go to bed."
Meal you should eat:
-If you're in college and you haven't had Stouffer's French Bread pizza for breakfast with Dr. Pepper, I don't want to have anything to do with you.

Trivial knowledge

I'm a total geek and like to collect trivial facts that anyone with a life wouldn't know. So I've decided to share some of this uncommon knowledge with you.

-Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is extremely overrated.

-So is the movie Lost in Translation.

-Esquire magazine erroneously listed Scarlett Johansson as the sexiest woman alive when it is clearly Betty White.

-If you're favorite movie is Scarface you're probably a douche bag.

-They're making a Jurassic Park IV and no one's been holding there breath on a sequel since the second one came out.

-Hating Ben Affleck is really outdated.

-For some reason Columbo references are en vogue.

-I hate all Japanese animation despite any logic or reason.

-Most art house flicks aren't as good as people say they are.

-Lost in Translation really sucked. I just wanted to reiterate that.

-Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas isn't really that attractive. I wouldn't say no if she was all up on this piece of hairy white Irish ass, but that isn’t saying much.

-Alec Baldwin is the man.

-I don't care what anyone says: Dude Where's My Car is a cinematic triumph.

-Project Runway is so gay I don't think gay people watch it.

-You should really be doing something else other than reading this.