Justice

Today, I am overjoyed. This is a rare experience for me. It is brought on very rarely by such things as: judging a blowjob competition, Die Hard trilogy marathons, democrats taking over congress, that guy pretending to talk on his cell phone at the mall suddenly getting a real call, and last but not least, the upper one percent getting the justice they deserve. Recently, we've gotten a rare treat in that regard, as this type of thing rarely happens.

Paris Hilton is going to jail. I can hardly type this as I weep tears of joy. Paris Hilton is going to jail for driving with a suspended license. I must praise the judge in particular for recognizing this minor crime average schmucks get away with on a regular basis, warranted jail time in light of the fact that the perpetrator was the greatest social criminal in American history. I have myself said that Paris Hilton should die. It may have been a bit of an extreme statement and I think the honorable judge has the right idea. Rather than just execute her for her crimes against American media, culture and amateur porn, true humiliation is in order. And humiliating a self important materialistic Anti-Christ like Paris is no easy task. This woman got fucked from behind in night vision while talking no her phone and shared the experience with one hundred million of her closest friends.

Humiliating a person like her is actually rather simple, punish her like a commoner. This wench got caught drunk driving and dismissed it as "nothing" and that "I was just really hungry, and I wanted to have an In-N-Out burger," Which of course, for people like her with good enough lawyers, makes it all not a big deal. Much to the Hilton's family's chagrin, the prosecution did not agree. They asked for jail time, and my new personal hero, the judge, agreed. I'm sure Paris would have loved to have gotten the special rich people jail that those with large enough bank accounts can rent in the state of California, but the judge effectively told her to shove that shit right up her already spunky ass.

Paris Hilton embodies all that is wrong and excessive about our American society. This drunken first estate whore is just one example of how those with enough money can do whatever the fuck they want. Was there any serious jail sentences handed down for the Enron scandal? No. Has anyone been punished for the Bush administration lying to the whole world for a war of choice that has cost thousands of lives? No. O.J. Simpson killed somebody and the only punishment he got was a revoked book deal.

Paris Hilton is a person famous only for being rich because she was born in the right family. She is only present in our day to day lives because the soft glow of a paparazzo's flash bulbs is apparently what sustains her dark life force. A woman whose only personal accomplishments include being born rich, boozing, fucking, and House of Wax, deserves no special treatment by anyone.

The Hiltons showed up expecting to get the usual special treatment and scoffed at the idea that their little girl would actually be punished for her transgressions against society. Their shocked reactions were so thrilling for me I may have become sexually aroused. Normally, I stay six miles away from shit like this, but when I heard the queen of all that is unholy might go to jail, I put my ear to the proverbial ground.

So here she is with her sentence read and fate delivered. What does she do? Recant her wicked ways, look in at herself and the hedonistic lifestyle she flaunts so proudly? Fuck no. She blames her publicist. Apparently he shoved the booze down her throat; duct taped her hands to the steering wheel and sent her to the In N Out Burger with a gun to her head, then threatened to cut her tits off if she didn't keep driving after her license had been suspended. Clearly none of this is even her lawyer's fault for failing at the standard "Its okay, the accused is extremely wealthy" defense, god forbid an ounce of this amounts to her own responsibility. So sadly, Paris Hilton will be going to jail with one less publicist, and with a whole nation cheering.