Impressing the ladies and facial hair.

Why is it that people always have so much trouble identifying the shit on my chin as a goatee? It’s not like there’s a god damn octagon on my left cheek. It’s fucking hair on my chin to cover up the ugly ass Ben Affleck thing I got going on there.
I think you know what it is, you’re just afraid to use the term because people think it’s the same thing as a fu-Manchu where the goatee connects with a moustache. I don’t have one of those. Doesn’t work for me. My moustache doesn’t connect in the middle between my lips and my nose. I can’t pull off a moustache with one of those. There are two men on the face of the planet that can do that: Jason Lee, and Col. Sanders. My name isn’t Earl and I can’t cook worth a shit, so I guess I’m screwed. People always go:
“Oh that’s cool. That umm. Thing there… your beard or something. I like that. How long did it take you to grow that out?”
People are so afraid that if they say the wrong word I’ll slap ‘em in the face and embarrass them over a term for facial hair.
“Hey, nice… soul patch?”
SMACK!!
“Wrong fuck-face!! It’s a goatee you semen sucker! Now walk away with your head hanging like my balls on a hot day!”
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You know they say that everyone is gay to a certain extent. And I think that’s true. For instance: I myself, like homosexuals rarely have sex with women. Just that whole “not being gay” thing is fucking up my sex life. Whenever I’m talking to a girl I may be interested in there’s some part of my brain that’s thinking “Hmm…. What’s the fastest way I can make this girl feel uncomfortable and politely walk away?”
Girls are always so polite about it too. They always make sure you know they almost enjoyed the conversation.
“Yeah, it was great talking to you.. But I’ve got to go talk to somebody cuter and with a less confusing vocabulary.”
Girls don’t like that! They don’t like it when you show what a big vocab you’ve got. Because, odds are, if your words are impressing her, she doesn’t understand jack or shit of what you're saying. I’m standing there talking about the mid term elections and she’s thinking:
“What’s a caucus? Is that how he’s hitting on me? I don’t get it.”
I’ve never been good at impressing women. Shit, I was at the beach last summer with some buddies. We had just gotten out of the water, and were walking against the wind. I looked down and was like: “What the fuck! This just isn’t fare. It’s like a green bean hanging off two peas right now. I’m fucking bringing a banana next time.”
Here I am, stumbling down the beach with my buddies, all of whom have six packs, while here I am, with the full keg if you will, and I’m supposed to pick up chicks? Fuck, who are we kidding? Women go to the beach to tan. Men just go to stare at half naked women all day. We lay on our towels make sexual comments so lewd that we could legally classify as sex offenders till the sun makes our skin peel. And then later we hop in our friends pool so we can go swimming.

Roaming

Today I was reminded what utter total preposterous bullshit roaming charges are. Once upon a time I was under the impression that roaming meant you were outside your normal coverage area. This idea was shattered when I switched from Virgin Mobile which was total crap, to Sprint, which is an unlubricated colonoscopy of an experience.
It appears that sporadic places all over my college's campus are for some reason, a real hassle for Sprint's network to handle. Also, my house is on random occasions, a roaming area. Okay, what the fuck is that about? How can my HOUSE, my place of fucking residence be so fucking out of the way. I've had service there since I had one of those fucking TRACFONEs you can get at the gas station. And suddenly, I switch to the fucking giant company, and suddenly, my god damned house is a roaming area.
I'll tell you how roaming works. Some mouth breather at sprint sitting in a three by two cubicle left clicks his stupid little mouse on my icon, on his stupid little screen, then I'm in a roaming area. Then sometimes, he'll leave it off all day, and wait for me to get five voicemails from the same person, then the anus sucking prick will decide I'm roaming because those messages are probably important.
The fact that we as a people, haven't risen as one and just started crucifying these taint licking people that run these cell phone companies is simply astonishing. I think our cell phone bills would go down real quick if we just started burning these people at the stake every time they laid some bullshit charge on us.